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by AnotherLostSoul (orphan_account)



Category: Death Note (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Angst and Tragedy, Early Work, I Don't Even Know, I dont know how i feel about this fic, M/M, Mental Anguish, Mental Breakdown, Posting for nostalgia, Sorry Not Sorry, Suicide, one of my first fics
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-25
Updated: 2019-11-25
Packaged: 2021-04-03 19:29:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,326
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21564739
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/AnotherLostSoul
Summary: When one becomes numb a fleeting sense of emotion can mean absolutely everything...
Relationships: L/Yagami Light
Comments: 5
Kudos: 55





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**Author's Note:**

> Woooooooah. 😱
> 
> So I wrote this lil oneshot fic FIVE YEARS ago!  
Alone, abandoned and gathering dust in my old Yahoo account, it has once again resurfaced to see the light of day! 
> 
> I don't even know what to say about it. It's both painful to read but also good at the same time! I have decided to keep it exactly as it was orginally written, because i'm posting it for the nostalgia! 
> 
> I'd like to think I've grown as a writer since I wrote this... Let me know what you think of this super old and rather morbid fic of mine! 🤔😂

Light Yagami had relinquished the Death Note. He had relinquished his dreams of ruling a new world and had turned himself in. 

He'd done all of that out of love for the Detective investigating him and for the simple reason he was tired of it all. L's dark eyes had widened with surprise as Light held out his hands and announced he was Kira. Souichiro had tried to reason with his son but L knew he was telling the truth. 

He'd known for a long time Light Yagami was Kira, it had just been a matter of proving it. Now, with a confession, the case was frustratingly solved yet unsolved. 

'I must discover how you kill. Why you kill' L thought as the handcuffs snapped over Light's wrists. Their eyes met, a thousand questions between them, and then L read Light his rights.

Light dipped his head in acknowledgement. He'd never imagined in a thousand years he would confess, but still he had expected more feeling, or at least pride, from L. 'Why aren't you smirking at me, L? Why do you look so sad?'

If anything, L's voice was hollow as he read out the charges. There was no vindication or hostility. Light puzzled over it, wryly amused by yet another example of L being the only person he could understand completely and yet remain perplexed by. Was it any wonder he'd fallen for the one person who was capable of challenging? If anything, it was ironic, and Light Yagami did always appreciate irony. 

"Is there anything you wish to say?" L prompted, finally looking away from those beguiling amber eyes. 

Light licked his lips, his eyes fixed on the dark shadows and pale skin of L's face. "Yes. I'm confessing because I love you. You've won, L. I've fallen in love with you and I cannot kill you. So yeah, congratulations" Light added a little bit of spite into his voice because he was spiteful. He didn't want to fall in love with L of all people. He didn't want his dreams to crash and burn all around him, so the least L could do was show a little fucking emotion as far as he was concerned. 

L's mouth dropped open in surprise and Light smiled at the sight of the obvious shocked reaction. It seemed L was capable of being shocked after all. Of all the things he had been expecting to hear that had never entered his mind as a possibility. Light Yagami, the handsome ladies man had confessed to being Kira because he had fallen in love with him. Light was proud of his achievement, even though he knew his confession meant certain death. 

'I only had two choices at this stage in the game. Kill L, which I couldn't do, or continue this cat and mouse game until he eventually caught me or Ryuk ended up writing my name. I'd rather die than kill L, and that weakness is going to cost me my life…I thought I wanted to be God of the New World. Now I just want it all to end'

"What?" Aizawa and Mogi looked at each other in astonishment. That testimony would be used for prosecution. No doubt it would raise a few eyebrows. 

"I find no joy in being right" was the only thing L's unusually sluggish brain could come up with. "The Kira case will be closed and your sentence passed once we find how you kill"

Light's smirk grew and L saw the familiar flash of arrogance in it. He'd perfect that arrogance over the broken boy who'd just tearfully admitted his love for him. At least he knew how to deal with arrogance as something of an expert in it himself. 

Light was conducted to the cells and L hung his head, his bangs hiding his troubled eyes. He'd been telling the truth when he'd said he found no joy in Light Yagami's admission, because it meant as L he had a duty to order the execution of the only person he had ever felt an affinity to. 

Perhaps even some sort of love. L had never considered himself a sexual being yet even he had noted how attractive Light was. Even his heart had skipped a beat when Light had curled his arms around him in his sleep. He'd felt alive those nights… 

Perhaps it would be best to try and revert to that safe numbness, or perhaps, like Light, it would be his downfall. 

L found he simply didn't care anymore. 

*****************  
Light sat in his cell, eyes boldly on the camera staring unblinkingly at him. It had been four hours since his confession. Where was L? Surely he wanted his answers so why was he keeping his distance? The cold was settling in and Light needed a distraction. Anything. He needed anything to keep going. 

Light glanced at Watari. The old man was 'monitoring' him to ensure he didn't kill anyone else. Light sighed dramatically to get his attention. "I want to speak to L"

"Ryuzaki will speak to you in his own time" Watari replied blandly, "So I suggest you sit and wait patiently"

"L Lawliet should speak to me now"

As predicted, Watari's eyes flew up to his face, a look of pure, unguarded panic in them. It was satisfying to see and Light couldn't stop his lips curling into a smile at how pale Watari had suddenly gotten. It was refreshing, a relief to actually just feel something. 

"How do you know that name?"

Light maintained his silence. "Get L here and I will tell him"

Watari narrowed his eyes at the young man smiling so smugly at him. "Is he in danger?"

Slowly, Light shook his head with a wry chuckle. "I've given up because of him. It would be pointless to kill him now, and in case you weren't listening before, I can't kill him. I've known his real name for months, Watari… but I have a theory of what will kill him."

Once L was aware of the situation he informed Watari he would be downstairs within the hour. 

"The hour?" Light's eyes narrowed into slits. "What the hell is he doing?"

******************

As it happened, L was in the midst of a calm, quiet crisis. He curled up on his bed and closed his eyes tightly. He wished he could sleep but his mind was a live wire of questions and his stomach churned with anxiety. 

He'd solved thousands of cases and yet he felt utterly redundant. He was crying because he'd been proven right. He was crying because he knew very soon he would have to sentence Light to death.

He smiled thinly and wiped his tears. He was being ridiculous. So much for comfortably numb. He was feeling things and once he'd started he couldn't stop. L had learned the golden rule of all Detective work from a young age: never get emotionally invested in a case. Always keep your distance and you will maintain a healthy skepticism and avoid bias that is natural in human nature. 

'I've gone and royally fucked that one up. Even knowing he was Kira I couldn't help but grow close to him. I always assumed one of us would eventually kill the other. I did not forsee a love confession and I certainly did not foresee how mixed up it would make me feel. Kira made me feel alive and once he is gone… '

L had entered the Kira investigation with a single-minded determination to beat the puzzle and crack the case. He hadn't anticipated feelings getting in the way, they never had before. Once he had joined To-Oh and was certain Light was Kira, he still planned to execute him for his crimes. 

He had hoped, perhaps foolishly, that the strange feelings he had would pass. Apparently they did not. They were eating away at him from the inside out. 

L heaved himself out of bed and took a moment to try and compose himself. Light knew his name and despite his earlier claims he could not kill him, L didn't trust him. L couldn't trust. Light was too much like himself. 

L wished he could actually care more than he did. It wasn't like he wanted to die, it was just he was feeling rather apathetic and emotional all at the same time. His thoughts had never been so jumbled and he cursed Light for making him feel this way. 

Feeling nothing was so much easier… 

It took him at least five minutes longer than it normally would have to reach the cells. L scanned himself into the room and immediately felt those amber eyes burning into him. 

"Leave us, Watari"

"Sir? Is that wise?" Watari frowned, even as he stood up to obey. 

"Probably not, but we will be on surveillance" L replied blandly. Watari nodded his head, being able to read between the lines. L would use the footage he wanted to convict Light, but there were things of a more personal nature he wished to discuss as well. Watari left the cell block but decided to hover close by, just in case he was needed. 

Once they were alone, L let himself into Light's cell and sat down on Light's bed. 

"So" L drawled, "You know I'm here for answers. How did you kill? Why did you believe you had the right to kill so many?"

The 'Why do you love me?' remained unasked. 

Light told L about the Death Note, about the Shinigami and, most strikingly, about the apathy and boredom that had led to it all happening in the first place. L listened in silence, both emphasising with and condemning Light with his silent stare. 

"So you're telling me that you have killed three thousand and twelve people by writing their name down in a magic notebook" L summarized in a deadpan tone. 

"Stranger things have happened" Light allowed himself a small smile, "I fell in love with you, didn't I? that was never part of the plan"

The knots in L's stomach tightened. "What was the plan?"

"Find out your name, kill you and usurp your place as L" Light sounded so very cold and passionless as he replied, "I found out your name. Low-Light. Rather fitting, isn't it?"

For the first time in his adult life, L didn't know what to say. He didn't have a ready answer waiting on his tongue. Instead, he asked for the Death Note. Light informed him it was buried in an orchard and L dispatched Watari to retrieve it. 

The ticking of the clock was deafening in the silence that stretched between them. 

"How am I going to die?" Light asked as the silence dragged on to the ten minute mark. "I'll probably be tried and convicted first. Unless you just want me dead"

L flicked his eyes to Light's face. "I will write your name down in the Death Note myself" he replied softly. "It's a fitting end to Kira to die by the weapon he once used to kill thousands"

"It will be lonely, won't it?"

L swallowed thickly, surprised to find tears welling in his eyes. "Yes, I suppose it will"

Questions and emotions strangled them in silence as they sat next to one another. L wondered what it might be like to kiss Light. 

He didn't kiss him. He kept his distance and the silence continued to hang thickly between them until Watari returned with a tin box and a Shinigami in tow. 

"So they do exist" L muttered, eyeing the monstrosity that was Ryuk up and down. 

"Can't believe you folded" Ryuk snorted derisively at Light, "If this Lawliet guy wasn't about to write your name down, I would!"

Light didn't bother replying. He decided it would be a waste of breath and he had a feeling he didn't have many more of those left. 

L summoned the Task Force to the cells and had Watari tell them Light was to be executed via Death Note. Naturally Souichiro protested his son deserved a trial and that it would be murder. 

"I am above the law, Yagami-San, and I am permitted to kill if I must to solve cases and to protect civilians" L explained patiently, "Furthermore, I want no knowledge of the Death Note or of Kira's identity to be made public. That means Kira must be executed privately and without delay"

Light sat through the discussion, feeling his heart pound in his chest. Perhaps it knew it was on borrowed time as he'd never heard his heartbeat so loudly in his ears before. Ryuk was grinning down at him as L wrote his name. His father sobbed his name but Light kept his gaze fixed firmly on L. 

L stared right back, his tears blotting the ink on the page. 

It was fast and it was necessary. L pretends he doesn't hear Light's last words, caught on a gasp of pain

I love you, L. 

L feels numb as Light's body crumples to the floor. He feels numb as Souichiro screams at him and has to be restrained by Watari. 

Later, when Light's body has been taken away, he still cannot shake the numbness. 

2 months later, when life should have moved on and he should be embroiled in yet another case (those endless cases) L decides to do something different. 

He locks himself in his room, writes Watari a letter of farewell and opens the Death Note. The Notebook was supposed to be hidden securely in a safe only Watari knew the code to. 

L bribed Ryuk with apples to retrieve it for him. The Shinigami watches as the hunched figure writes down eight fateful letters:

L Lawliet. 

As the heart attack hits, L crumples to the ground and feels an exhilarating burst of something rush through him. He is dying but he has never felt more alive.

He is no longer numb.


End file.
